How Connecting Helped Me
At the tender age of 18 months, my baby brother Jeff, just five weeks old, succumbed to sudden infant death syndrome. The weight of loss settled upon me in the earliest chapters of my life, yet its profound impact eluded my understanding until 2008 when the call to reflect on the formation of my identity compelled me to explore the depths of my soul.
Jeff, a fleeting presence in my infancy, cast an indelible imprint on my family and my essence. A silent understanding told me that a significant connection had been severed, leaving a void where someone vital, intimately tied to my heart, was absent.
With Jeff's departure, my parents' hearts closed in on themselves, overwhelmed by the vast and profound pain. The sources of love I knew seemed to vanish, fostering within me a fear that to love and be loved meant eventual abandonment. Thus, I erected barriers to shield myself from the looming specter of heartache.
In the realms of therapy, only Family Constellations (FC) and psychedelic immersions dared to breach the fortress of my protection. They served as keys, unlocking the misperceptions woven over the years to shield me from what I mistakenly believed was a fear of loss but, at its core, was a fear of love's potency. Jeff became a seldom-discussed presence after his passing, captured in a solitary photograph. The palpable pain and grief in our family lingered, casting a shadow that I carried through childhood and beyond. Whenever Jeff's name echoed through the years, I could feel the ache in my parents' hearts, cautioning me to tread lightly. For years, I kept my questions confined within, fearing that mentioning him would reawaken their pain.
Jeff became an unspoken omission in our family dialogues. Early in my journey of healing, I was blind to the influence of his exclusion on my anxieties and fears. The emotions tied to his loss terrified me, and the prospect of acknowledging him seemed to reopen the wounds of losing him.
Through the illuminating lens of Family Constellations, I glimpsed how this early, monumental loss stoked my apprehension toward love, rendering me hesitant to forge deep connections. With a heightened awareness and the guidance of FC, I peeled back the layers, exposing the scared little girl, the unsure, quiet teenager who obediently followed instructions, and the concealed adult within me.
This narrative is but a single strand in the tapestry of my journey - connecting and reconnecting through Family & Systemic Constellations and psychedelic immersion has been a beacon of support in my healing. It fuels my impassioned mission to share this transformative work with the world, driven by the purpose of helping others rediscover themselves, forge connections with others, and cultivate community in a seemingly divided world.
